Liven Up Holiday Gatherings: Talk About Death
Why on earth would I suggest you spoil the festivities with such an unsavory subject?
First, the topic of mortality need not be a downer. Au contraire. The reminder that existence is fleeting can be an efficient means to clarify, make meaning, and stir action for your life now. What would you do differently today if you had just one year to live? Maybe let go of a grudge and delete TikTok?
Consider the ancient Greeks and Romans. They tucked memento mori talisman -- skulls, wilted flowers, angels -- into their togas and went on to build cathedrals and create art and philosophy based on a simple, yet profound idea. Memento mori is Latin for “remember that you must die.” In other words… Life is short. So make the most of it.
Second, the holidays can bring together generations from far-flung geographies to break bread and eat pie. Why default to talking about people, politics or current events when you can gently memento mori your way into forging deeper connections with each other -- while you’re all actually alive?
As an end-of-life planner and “death doula” which is a non-medical professional who offers emotional, practical and educational support to folks planning for or navigating life’s final chapters, I typically ask new clients two questions from the excellent “Your Conversation Starter Guide” which you too can find at https://theconversationproject.org:
“What matters most to you now and through the end of your life?” and
“What does a good day look like for you?”
No matter your health or age, answer these questions for yourself now before you spring it on your loved ones.
Grab paper and pen.
Set a 10-minute timer.
Jot down whatever comes up.
For you, is it…
… spending time with people you love?
… indulging in a favorite pastime such as gardening, biking, deer hunting?
… visiting a place you’ve always wanted to see but haven’t yet?
… finishing a passion project?
… mending a broken relationship?
Well then why aren’t you making these things happen now?
Death may be the biggest “life hack” of all. Every three months I review my goals and priorities to adjust them, and “remember that I must die” (at anytime). I ask myself what is the best use of my time and energy if I were no longer around in ninety days? In the midst of perpetual flux -- world events, personal circumstances and me -- this exercise helps me take a step back and recenter on living in congruence with my values.
Don’t wait. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Writer Annie Dillard says it best, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
Are you ready to be the one to start the conversation among your loved ones around a topic few folks want to talk about?
Our own community has mourned the loss of teens and adults in the prime of their lives claimed by tragic accidents. Start there?
Otherwise try out this opening line apropos to living in a time of global pandemic and escalating warfare: Who knows what tomorrow holds. What do you say we make a game out of answering a couple questions that can help us know each other better and also prepare us to make good decisions for each other when death does come?
Encourage everyone of every age to speak to the two questions above. Don’t just single out elders because statistically they’re likely next up on the conveyor belt headed to the grave or someone with a life-limiting illness. Everyone gets a turn. If someone gives a vague answer, go deeper. Ask them:
What does [what they said] mean to you?
What experiences have you had with death and dying?
How did those experiences affect the way you live your life?
If children are in the mix, by all means engage them. Normalizing death as an inevitable fact of life is doing the next generation a solid. By the time kids reach five years old, most understand that death means the person or pet they love aren’t coming back. A friend tells me, “Do you know how many goldfish we pray for at Sunday school?” Personal stories are a great way to pass down lessons learned and convey how we want to be cared for. Tease out the ones in your family.
To talk about Death IS to talk about Life.
Life is expansion and contraction.
Beginnings and endings.
Joy and pain.
Do you choose to experience the fullness of our finite time here, and take part directly in the ups and downs that we and those we love will inevitably face?
Sure, the subject of dying can stir uncomfortable feelings. You know what’s more unpleasant than thinking and talking about death? Regret. Being asked one day in an Emergency Room to make life-prolonging decisions for a loved one without having any idea about what makes life worth living for them. And then wondering for the rest of your life if you did right by them.
SIDEBAR
Conversation about what matters most in our life with the people who matter most is in itself an act of love. Clarity also allows you to enlist your healthcare providers in supporting your agenda.
Start the conversation now, gently and with curiosity.
You don’t need a lawyer (yet).
You don’t want to wait until a health crisis.
You don’t need to make it all “Mom…Dad, we need to talk…” heavy and weird.
Instead, check out these two excellent resources to guide you step-by-step, at your own pace through talking about your preferences for care now through the end of life.
And don’t just ask your parents to do this. Make completing these guides a family affair. You may discover the conversations can be surprising, connected and expansive.
The Conversation Project - https://theconversationproject.org
Five Wishes.org - https://FiveWishes.org
